Clawing My Way Home.

I have decided that Minneapolis is the devil. I apologize to anyone that lives here but it has not been a very kind place to me this summer. Of course in a summer full of incredible memories I guess I deserve a few bad ones to spice it up even more. I am stuck for the second time in three weeks in a hotel by myself blogging before I get up to journey home in the morning. The one positive part of this second time being stranded in the Midwest is that there is a Denny's in the parking lot of this hotel instead of the barren wasteland that was my hotel three weeks ago.

Lacking any better ideas (the Mall of America, a bizarre comment on our culture, was closed) I trotted, yes trotted, my way over to Denny's to gorge myself on some yummy fried food. Having already eaten McDonalds in the airport I feel like a complete lard ass right now which further intensifies the idea that I MUST find a gym the moment I arrive back in NYC.

When I sat down at my empty booth and opened up the menu (which had a sticky texture like it had perhaps been covered in snot recently) I was greeted by the happy little sign that you see above. "Your Day Starts Here!" it exclaimed. Ah, the irony and the fear that it instilled in me was paralyzing. Was THIS really just the BEGINNING of my day?! I thought I was going to bed soon and that the worst was over. If only I had realized that, indeed, the best/worst was yet to come.

I think the mindset of the people in the Denny's can be summed up by the "Claw Machine" that lurked in the center of the restaurant inviting everyone to give it a go. As each party came in, they almost immediately ran over to it as if they had some power that would make these shoddy machines reward them. Let's just say it's grip was about as convincing as the year I pretended I was straight. Yet for some reason this seemed a surprise to everyone. Now I can understand the stoners that came in being confused by this magical machine that was just THIS close away from fulfilling their dreams, but everyone else?!

The one other person I will give credit to is the little boy who was escorted over by his older brother. A Kevin Federline type, this dynamic duo put in a whole dollar (a LOT of commitment to a claw machine) and everytime the results came back negative (something the real K. Fed has NO experience with) the child would run back to his mother crying. Way to work it little boy. I commend you.

My personal favorite though was the combo effect of stoner/K.Fed/employee. He waltzed over in his crisp Denny's uniform and inserted his money to not only be confused by the fact that he lost but also by the fact that his boss was pretty upset that he was playing while being payed. Apparently common sense doesn't exist in the pristine world of Denny's but who would have thought that so much flavor could exist in a chain restaurant?!

Upon exiting I asked the manager if it was okay that I left the money on the table. Without pause he gave me a twitching look that was possibly a consideration to gouge my eyes out with the claw machine (of course that would mean that all the fun would be taken away) but quickly nodded his approval. There was no way he was going to sacrifice the claw even if I had broken the rules. I can only pray that breakfast will be as interesting. Wish me luck!