Sometimes Movies Suck.

Dear Sofia Coppola,

Please stop masturbating on screen, no one enjoys watching it. I sat through two tedious hours of your new movie “Marie Antoinette” last night and I desperately want them back. If only you had named the movie something like, “Paris Hilton’s Excellent Adventure” or perhaps “Strawberry Shortcake Drops Acid and Takes Over France,” then maybe I could forgive you. Displaying this showcase of endless imagery as a movie is a crime against the human mind. What could have served as a modern romp in the style of Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo and Juliet” instead becomes an extended music video advertisement for wedding cake and champagne. See, Baz had Shakespeare to work with; you on the other hand had a script that could barely fill a “Berenstein Bears” book. It did all look yummy all right, as Kirstin Dunst frolicked around the estate. Then Kirstin Dunst frolicked around the garden. Then Kirstin Dunst ran with her arms plastered to her sides as if she had been shot with a tranquilizer gun. That was my favorite, so thanks Sofia for that. The fact that you have somehow convinced someone to produce this movie (can it even be called a movie?!) is beyond me. Perhaps the same tranquilizer gun used on Kirstin was involved in the contract signings. I don’t care how pretty your gorgeous shots were, because somewhere in the editing room the movie got left out of this multi-million dollar spectacle. The annoying part is that I fear many people will be duped. You have made it so sugary sweet that you are basically drugging the audience into believing it’s art. Shame on you. I am off to burn my copy of your brilliant movie “Lost In Translation.”
Kisses,
-M