de Kooning Goes To City Center.

We have gone from rehearsal (above) to theater (below) in, what seems like, record time. As I walked into City Center today I couldn’t believe that it was already here again. Sometimes life really does speed by, and as quick as this rehearsal period has been, the past year has flown by just as rapidly.

With my arrival at the theater today I was struck by a certain uneven mood. I cannot help but be a little bit frustrated with the fact that I am not going to be performing anything new this year. I will be repeating my roles in “Rodeo” and “The Green Table” (a personal favorite and BRILLIANT ballet) but I am feeling a bit stuck at the moment. Self-disappointment is the hardest to handle at times and I am struck by this affliction at the moment. As troubled as this post may seem, I assure you that is not entirely the case. I am feeling incredibly inspired at the moment by this brilliant biography of Willem de Kooning that I have recently picked up again.

Aside from learning all about the 20’s and 30’s in New York, it is proving to be a fascinating account of what makes an artist. Right now I am reading about the period in his life where he is making the conscious choice to give himself entirely to his art. A young man in the city struggling to find his own voice, I can’t help but find similarities in our stories. Rather than wallow in the Depression, as the rest of the city seems to be forced to do, he finds the hope and artistic inspiration stemming from all around him. He always stays true to himself even though he isn’t quite sure who that is yet.

De Kooning realized that it was about constantly questioning everything around you. Life and art were constantly shifting and therefore so did your viewpoint on things. As much change and activity as there is in the present, it is okay to embrace the past. By constantly acknowledging your influences, whether in art or in life, you are stepping away from the fear you have of not living up to them. It is better to admit the power of genius and move on rather than become afraid of not living up to it and stifle yourself. It brings to mind a quote used in the book…as T.S. Eliot puts it, “Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.”

Channeling all of these questions, fears, disappointments, etc. into art is what it is all about. At the moment I am having a “de Kooning-esque” doubt of whether or not I am really an artist. My friend Jackie and I were discussing recently how it is easy to feel a bit like an automaton in a ballet company. I realize though that that is a choice and not requirement. The rigidity of classical ballet is still malleable as much as it may not seem so. I look forward to going out and dancing the role of Old Soldier in “Green Table” and completely investing myself in every detail. As always, I cannot wait to watch my fellow artists and all of the ballets that the season has to offer.

(The girls strut their stuff late at night on the first day at the theater.)

Essentially we both create and are created by the world around us. I am choosing to create the world I desire. Over the next three weeks my goal is to develop and find music to create my first ballet to. I have the seeds of an idea that I am extremely excited about but haven’t quite found the perfect music yet. Sometimes I just need to vent a little bit but right now I am feeling exhilarated by the admittance of my disappointment which can now allow me to move on with my business. You do what you gotta do. If anyone has made it this far into this truly RANTING blog, I applaud you. It’s getting a little self- indulgent today. Oh well, once in a while! Another thing that needs to happen once in a while (or all the time) is Sufjan Stevens. Here’s a song that just makes me happy happy happy. “The Henney Buggy Band.”